Hell to the 9th degree
My bffcamel and I were talking about Dante’s 9 circles of hell, and I thought that if there really *is* a hell, then it’s probably super personalized to each individual. So with that in mind, here are the circles of hell made especially for me.
Circle 1 (Limbo): Scrapbooking. In this level, for those minor offenses like daring to believe that there might be a religion other than Christianity, I will be forced to make “vacation books” and “back-to-school” pages full of puffy stickers, photo frames and decorative paper. Each page will have to have a theme, and each picture will have to have a witty caption.
Circle 2 (Lustful): Oh… I’m going to spend a lot of time here… Every hour I will sit down to watch my very favorite television show, featuring the adorable Chris Meloni, only to have it preempted by a show on deer hunting. Or Monday Night Raw.
Circle 3 (Gluttons): Each bite I take of the scrumptious chocolate sundae eternally presented to me will taste like… tuna. I will promptly forget this after every horrid spoonful and eagerly take another bite.
Circle 4 (the Prodigal and the Miserly): I will have to pick sticky, semi-moist coins out of my car’s cup holder and use them at toll booths.
Circle 5 (the Wrathful and the Sullen): I’ve been living in this circle for a little over a year now. I’ve done my time.
Circle 6 (the Heretics): My iPod will have nothing but really bad Christmas carols, most of them from the Mannheim Steamroller, a few from Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Circle 7 (the Violent, the Sodomizers, the Blasphemers): Tee hee. Guess who will be put in charge of organizing the annual Association of Concert Bands Convention? Every year. For eternity. And there will be 29 flutes and 4 e-flat clarinets. Oh, and only 1 percussionist.
Circle 8 (Fraud): Here I will teach 12th graders archaic British literature and prepare them for an SAT test they’ll never take… Oh, wait…
Circle 9 (Treason): Nothing but Fox News 24/7. I’ll have to answer all of Bill O’Reilly’s fan mail, too. He’ll probably want a sponge bath on Wednesdays.
Halloween
Halloween is so different now that I have a teenager. S is torn between the whole desire to dress up and still be a kid and yet look cool. We found a nice “compromise” costume at Wal-Mart. They had costume tee shirts that were really cute, and she just wore that with a pair of jeans.
This weekend was actually her dad’s weekend, and she got to spend time with her two little brothers and take them trick or treating. I think that was the best thing that could have happened because the 11 year old was trying to be “cool” and putting a bit of a damper on the 7 year old. S went in and basically told the little one that she was going to trick or treat FOREVER and that’s how all the teens at her school felt about it. That made the little one happy. 
She always says that she hates kids and that she doesn’t want to be a mom, but she comes by it so naturally — way more so than I.
I hardly had any trick or treaters this year. I just put a bowl of candy on the front porch because the door bell ringing all night would have driven the puppy INSANE! By 10:00, not even half the bowl was empty. I think it might be because I live on a cul-de-sac in a neighborhood with very few of those. Meh. Fortunately, I bought candy I really don’t care for, so I’ll have no problem taking it to my students tomorrow.
Late in the evening, I went to a local hangout with two of my buddies to watch a costume contest. It was CRAZY. I couldn’t believe how many “women of a certain age” were still insisting on wearing skimpy little costumes. It’s not that they weren’t attractive and fit, but there’s just something not right about a 45 year old in a sexy nurse costume. Some of the older women went for classier outfits and looked much hotter than the ones pretending to be 20. Oy. We had a great time, though, and made some new “friends”. Everyone was in a great mood, and I actually stayed out past 1:00! I thought LG was going to have a heart attack. She always teases me for not being able to last past 11:00.
Luckily it was Daylight Savings Time, but unfortunately, the animals either don’t use that calendar system or just ignored it. Not sure. Either way, I was up by 6:00… so much for sleeping late.
Texas Electronic Cyberstalking Act 2001
This weekend my exhusband and his new “girlfriend” sent me an email and a voice message telling me that I am violating the Texas Electronic Cyberstalking Act of 2001. Here’s what it said:
As directed by legal counsel, this is a courtesy call to inform you that you are in violation of the
Texas Stalking by Electronic Communications Act of 2001, which plainly states that any electronic communication which has intent to “harass, annoy, alarm, abuse, torment, or embarrass another” is a felony offense. [X] and I will be pressing charges against you on Monday morning, October 26th, unless all material which references me or [X] by name, initials, or insinuation, is not immediately removed from all internet sites where you have posted them. We already have data logs, time stamped screenshots, and full mirrors of your blogs and Twitter posts going back over 12 months which will be given to the court as evidence of long-term cyberstalking.
Failure to remove, not merely make private, all such material from the internet immediately will result in restraining orders placed upon you and the filing of charges against you as a class 3 felon. Further infractions will result in the filing of charges as as class 2 felon. These warrants may be served to you at your place of business, home, or any other place within the state of Texas.
The thing is that my attorney (and I actually have an attorney because I pay my bills) said that no, I am *not* breaking the law by any means. I have not harassed them with emails, phone calls or text messages. I have not initiated any contact with either of them since October of 2008. Even then, I only made 1 phone call to her (and it was very cordial on both parts — seems a sweet woman), 1 email to her immediately after the phone call forwarding to her an email his mother had sent me outlining what a psycho he is, and 1 email to her and him when he attacked me through a private twitter message that basically said he couldn’t accuse me of intentionally hurting *him* after what he had done to me. Nothing that would constitute harassment by any stretch of the legal imagination. He emailed me with mild threats several times after October, but I never responded. I am not seeking them out to get them to read what I write (usually password protected) here. If he or she is seeking out *my* blog, then that’s not my doing.
However, I really have no interest in poking this particular dragon or his victim and giving him any reason to EVER contact me again. So I will be removing any reference to either of the them by name or initial out of the kindness of my heart.
This blog is for my healing and no one else.
You’re special, for my exhusband’s next victim
October 14th marks a year since I discovered the truth. This is for the bimbo who will hopefully discover her own truth before it’s too late.
Edited by bandnerdtx
originally written by Annesthesia
(In memory of the machinations of a man with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, with condolences to all the other women who came before,and will come after, who once thought THEY were special too… Virginia, Aubrey, Jean Ann, Courtney, Kim, Christine, Adrienne, me and others…)
You two have a “connection,” a rapport that he didn’t have with his ex. You have more things in common, similar personalities. He’s pointed out all the ways that you two are so alike – it’s just uncanny. You are so lucky to have met him at this point in your life. He says that he really appreciates you for who you are – and he’s the first person to really do that, isn’t he? Sure, he said the same things to her when he got together with her (and then grew to hate so many things about her), but it’s different with you. He couldn’t possibly be operating from scripts anymore.
And it’s so nice to finally have someone you can lean on, isn’t it? It’s hard being on your own, building a career, managing a household, and doing it all yourself. All of a sudden, here’s this guy offering to help in ways that no one ever did, knowing all the things you have been longing for and wanting in a partner. He couldn’t possibly be hooking into your heart-felt desires and hurt places and pretending to be the answer because he knows that’s where you are vulnerable. He couldn’t be pretending to like the things you like, and want the things you want, and be the person you have been looking for because it’s part of his patterns. Just because he did that with the women that came before you, doesn’t mean he’s doing that with you. He’s really sincere this time.
He’s told you all his deep dark secrets (at least, all the ones he thinks can win him sympathy and attention). He’s acknowledged how he behaved badly in the past (even though it was brought out by who he was with at the time). You two must have a very special connection for him to be so open and “honest”. And he seems to be remorseful, so that must mean he won’t do that kind of thing again, right? Not with you. You’re special. So what if he told his ex the same kind of deep, dark secrets, opened up in the same way? So what if he exhibited the same kind of remorse for things he did to partners before HER? So what if he told her all the same sob stories and pretended to be working on these same issues? He really means it this time, with you.
He says things are going to be different with you. Even though he SAYS he accepts responsibility for his actions, he also says that it was really things in HER that brought out his bad behavior. He’s not going to be like that with YOU.
Sure, he said the same things to HER, but this time he’ll be different because he’s told you how YOU are different from her. (So what if you and she have such similar backgrounds: family, education, even zodiac sign! That doesn’t mean he’s following the same old patterns, targeting the same types of women. That doesn’t mean that he’ll be turn abusive with YOU at some point…) He’s such a sweet, wonderful, helpful guy, it MUST have been something in HER that caused him to act badly, right?
So what if he told all of their mutual friends she was the “best thing that ever happened to him”, and that he had “never loved anyone as much as he loved her”? That doesn’t mean he still has the capacity to be manipulative and dishonest and cruel. He was just confused, the poor man. And besides, he won’t be like that anymore, with the right woman to love him and dote on him. She just didn’t give him the kind of attention he really needed. But YOU will. So he’d NEVER do that to YOU.
So what if he has cheated on all 3 of his wives! It’s not even that big of a deal that he didn’t tell you about the second wife at first. I mean, after all, that was just a mistake. A short lived marriage, right? It doesn’t count. And besides, he thinks she was cheating on him, too, so it’s no big deal that he cheated on her (at least twice). So what if he’s jumped from one “long term” relationship to another, never spending any time alone since he was 20.
So what if he USED YOU to break a trust with his wife? It’s not like they were actually *partners* or anything! She tricked him into marriage, right? Sure, you found out he lied about when they moved in together, but she had abused him emotionally so much, he just couldn’t face the truth, right? And breaking her trust was a convenient way to ensure that he wouldn’t have to bother with her anymore and could focus on YOU. He did it so carefully too. (He knows that it’s the series of “gentle” cuts that leave the most stinging wounds.) That way, SHE would be the one saying she didn’t want to have anything to do with HIM, and he could blame HER for why they can’t still be friends. Isn’t he clever? What a creative way to get rid of someone when she is no longer useful!
Besides, even if his ex-wife deeply cared about him, he didn’t have the same deep feelings for her, so that made it ok to have sex with you before ending his relationship with her, right? He was just so TAKEN with you! He had waited 44 years for you to come into his life! Doesn’t that just make you feel all . . . oh, I don’t know – SPECIAL? She just wasn’t long term partner material, and he made that clear to her anyway. If she knew he didn’t have the same feelings and was willing to continue to be used by him because she had fallen in love with him, who was HE to turn down that kind of attention and strokes? It’s not like he had any responsibility to not take advantage of someone who was emotionally vulnerable or anything.
And he broke things off with her eventually. He just didn’t tell her about you and the affair right away because he wanted to *protect* her from getting hurt. What a GREAT guy! See, he really did have amazing consideration for HER feelings! Withholding information isn’t the same as LYING or anything. That’s not dishonest, right? It couldn’t possibly be that he was deliberately stringing her along until he was sure YOU were hooked. No. He’s too sweet and charming and nice for that. He was just CONFUSED about his feelings, that’s all. Even if he’s BROKEN A SACRED TRUST THIS SAME WAY, SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE (with other partners and lovers), he wouldn’t be repeating the same old abuse patterns with you.
You’re special.
And even if he WAS being dishonest at the start of your relationship, he lied to someone ELSE. It’s not like he was dishonest with YOU, so that makes it OK, right? Well, okay, maybe you did catch him in a couple of lies like the “little” one about having his doctorate degree– he’s just been using the title falsely for nearly 15 years, and it’s in MUSIC. It’s not like he works in music, so it’s okay, right? I mean, he HAS done all the course work. He just never did the final dissertation, so it’s okay to claim the title that others have FULLY EARNED because he’s close enough. And the one about his second marriage… but he was just so ashamed of admitting the truth. He didn’t know if you would love him enough if you knew all his dirty secrets. But now that he has confessed, well, he knows no one could ever love him like you do.
So what if he used exactly the same line on each new mark in the past, telling the next one in line that the previous one was nothing compared to you? He wouldn’t be using LINES and PLOYS and subtle MANIPULATION on YOU…
He has REAL, deep feelings for you. You’ve even seen him cry and show his vulnerable side. That MUST mean he’s sincere, right? He couldn’t possibly be using YOU for an ego stroke. Not the man YOU know.
He’s just so caring and sensitive and considerate. He’s so sweet, rubbing cream into your hands and feet at night, sending you little cards, reading to you in the afternoon, doing all those romantic things. He really does seem too good to be true – cooking, cleaning, intelligent, literate, creative, affectionate. So what if he was like that for the first few years he was with her before the subtle patterns of abuse started to creep in? He wouldn’t do that to you too, down the road. She must have brought it out in him. He couldn’t possibly be playing the same game over and over again with you as the next target. All those wonderful things he has done – all the romantic things, all the ways he has helped out and called, and done things for you, they couldn’t all be just scripts. No. This time, he’s sincere. This time he’ll be different with you.
So what if he has been incapable of honesty and integrity all his life? That couldn’t mean that he is telling lies to YOU. After all, he was so HONEST about his dishonesty so THAT’S got to count for something… It must mean he realizes his mistakes and won’t make the same ones again, right? The fact that he acknowledges things is so CONVINCING. If he acknowledges it, then he couldn’t possibly STILL do those sorts of things. Sure, sure. He had HER convinced too. But he couldn’t possibly be STILL lying to YOU. You’re special.
So what if two of the other women he was involved with wound up in the psychiatric ward? So what if he “helped” a vulnerable friend by encouraging her to break her marriage vows, exacerbating her marital problems, and then abandoning her when she asked if he could be there for her? So what if he reconnected with a woman who was vulnerable from a death in her family and dropped her when she needed him most? So what if he found a woman overseas, desperate for love and affection, and swindled her out of $50,000. He’ll pay her back. He was just being HELPFUL to all those women. Maybe he LIED to them, sometimes, but that was only to PROTECT the fragile little dears. He’s SUCH a sensitive guy, you see. He couldn’t POSSIBLY have been USING people for ego strokes.
So what if he has no real relationship with his son? That’s his ex-wife’s fault, right? She lied to their son about him. So what if he abandoned his step daughter, never apologizing or even saying good bye to her? Hurting kids is excusable, right? (After all, THEY must have deserved it. Right? Because he really DOES love kids… or at least, that’s what he has said…) The guy YOU know could never be like that. And… well… even if he WAS, he’s obviously changed. He’s undergone a miraculous transformation in just one year. He’s just shed ALL those abusive patterns and become a NEW man. He’s going to be completely different, with you.
Yeah, sure, he might have done those kinds of things in the past, but the past is the past, right? It doesn’t have any danger of repeating itself with you. Just because all those other women were “damaged”, doesn’t mean that he will someday be telling people how damaged YOU are… Not YOU. You’re SPECIAL.
His love for you is so strong and your connection to each other is so different (at least, that’s what he has told you, and you know you can trust him, right?), he wouldn’t EVER do anything deliberately hurtful or malicious to YOU. I mean, he’s told you that you are “woven” together, hasn’t he? He wouldn’t undermine YOUR support network and use your friends to hurt YOU. He’d never make snide remarks about YOU behind your back and then make sure you found out about it. No no no. SHE must have brought that out in him. But you, you’re special.
He couldn’t possibly be using contrition, and the “I feel so bad about myself”-line to get sympathy and support! He couldn’t possibly be going after women who have a strong sense of personal responsibility because he knows how to manipulate that to try and get them to feel responsible for HIS sick feelings. He couldn’t possibly be seeking out active, intelligent, dedicated women, so that he can PUNISH them when they don’t direct all that energy to HIM. Just because he has engaged in such manipulative behavior in the past doesn’t mean he would be doing that NOW. Not with YOU. You’re SPECIAL.
He’s so contrite and sincere about “working on his issues”, he couldn’t possibly be lying about that. Just because he has a history of pathologically lying to himself and others doesn’t mean he’ll be that way with you. Besides, if he has deceived himself so completely that HE doesn’t know it’s a lie, then he can’t be held accountable for it, right? He can always claim that he doesn’t have good “memory” for things in the past. But don’t worry. He won’t use that sort of deception and evasion with YOU. You’re special.
The poor guy just made bad choices (before you). Sure he made mistakes, and if none of his exes wants to have anything to do with him, and some now think he is mentally ill, it must be because THEY are unstable – I mean, look at how amazing and kind and charming he is with you… He couldn’t possibly have been like that with them,TOO… He wouldn’t be using stock romance “lines” on YOU.
This time, it’s REALLY love. You’re special.
Sure, he did a *few* things in his past that were unkind, but he needs to be forgiven for HIS behavior, (after all, she drove him to it), but HER mistakes and reactions to his abuse were unforgivable. But things will be different with you. He won’t think YOUR mistakes are unforgivable. He won’t apply a double-standard to YOU. He won’t expect YOU to be perfect and subtly criticize you when you don’t measure up to his standards. You’re the one who is going to change his life. And, of course, you keep your kitchen immaculate, so he’ll have no reason to criticize THAT.
And speaking of unforgivable, of COURSE he can’t forgive her for doing things that *hurt* him (he’s so deeply sensitive, you see) – but he couldn’t possibly have lied about the things he said she did. He couldn’t possibly have “set up” situations so he could cry foul… He wouldn’t have ENCOURAGED her to do things (like get her Master’s degree) so he could later claim that he was hurt by her… And, well, even if he DID maybe do that, he certainly won’t do it with YOU. You’re too special for that. Any time he tells you he’s happy for you and he encourages you to do something, he’ll REALLY means it, with YOU. He won’t create a revisionist fantasy of your past so that he can insist you did things to hurt him as a justification for his cruelty to you. He won’t secretly resent you for not devoting all your time to him. Even if he DID do that with her, he won’t do it with you. Especially after he makes all those sacrifices and moves in with you. He won’t secretly be dependent on YOU for all his attention. He won’t be more demanding of you and your time and resent you when you don’t give it all to him. Not THIS time. You’re SPECIAL.
He’s such a nice guy, but he’s going to claim his right to be “selfish” now because he’s been so USED from all the excessive GIVING he did in the past that nobody really appreciated. The poor guy. He’s never taken time to be selfish in the past – not even when he was sitting alone in his room for hours at a time “working”, sucking off his hurts, or using other people. But he’s better now. Don’t worry. He won’t use his new-found right to be “selfish” against YOU. No. He really is a changed man, with you. With you, he will give unconditionally.
It’s no WONDER he behaved so badly! Look at how his ex was always hurting him, oppressing him with her refusal to live her life solely for him, expecting him to be honest with his feelings and actions when he just wasn’t ready. And besides, he just can’t handle confrontation, you know? And she’s just so SCARY when she’s upset (it’s just so unbeCOMing when women display any anger!) that he HAD to act that way. She actually raised her voice at times! Can you imagine? He can’t DEAL with it, and he shouldn’t be expected to! He couldn’t possibly have been projecting HIS issues on her so that someone else could have his anger FOR him, or so that he could get angry with someone other than himself! He couldn’t possibly have been DELIBERATELY hitting all her hot buttons to hurt and upset her so he could lay blame. And, well, even if he DID do that for years, he won’t do it anymore with you.
And if somehow you accidentally do things that “trigger” his old abuse patterns, he’ll be so sweet in telling you how you are doing things that remind him of her, so that YOU can change YOUR behavior. After all, you wouldn’t want him to start acting abusively again because of something YOU did.
But you don’t have to worry about that because you’ll never get upset with him, and you’ll never challenge him to be honest or to accept responsibility for his actions. SHE did that, and it was “controlling,” but it’ll be different with you because you know better. And you won’t need to worry about calling him on his behavior anyway because he’ll NEVER lie to YOU. He’ll always be completely honest and upfront with you. He won’t have to “forget” any promises he made to YOU. If he is inconsiderate, it won’t be DELIBERATE, with you. If he lied to her or anyone else, it was because they drove him to it. With you, he won’t withhold information, or distort the truth. He won’t break fundamental relationship agreements with YOU. He won’t HAVE to because you’ll be right there validating him 24/7, supporting him and telling him how he’s so CLEVER and BRAVE to have escaped such a horrible relationship, and how wonderful it is that he is working so HARD to overcome his terrible past!
And it’s a good thing he’s not going to do any of those things he might have done in the past because then you won’t have to worry about forgiving him. You see, she REPEATEDLY forgave him for the lies and the accidentally-on-purpose “mistakes”, and all that did was make him feel bad about himself – that she could forgive and he couldn’t. Wasn’t that AWFUL of her to make him feel so bad that way? So she DESERVED to be punished even more. And she should NEVER have shown any guilt when he manipulated her. It just caused him to hurt her more. She should have known better. YOU know better. But then, he won’t be manipulative and passive-aggressive with YOU.
He’ll be different with you. You’re SPECIAL.
And sure he made her work at the relationship when he wasn’t really trying, but that wasn’t being dishonest – he just didn’t know what he really wanted, so that made it OK to put the burden of the relationship responsibility on her. Sure he admitted that he wanted her to make him the first priority in HER life, but he wasn’t willing to afford her the same consideration. But that wasn’t one of his patterns. He won’t do that with YOU. Besides, he admitted his dishonest behavior after they broke up, so that makes it ok. It erases everything. His slate is clean. He even said he was sorry, months later, so that shows how sincere he was. He couldn’t possibly still have been interlacing the apology with blame. He’s not STILL being manipulative and projecting issues…. and well, if he is, he’s only doing that with HER because of their history – he wouldn’t do that with YOU.
And it’s so sweet how he still talks about how much he cared for his ex, how much he did for her out of love. Sometimes, he even talks fondly of his treasured memories of her, of how she “helped” him (when she wasn’t hurting him, the witch) – that must mean he’s a deep, sensitive guy, right? Maybe you can even “help” him to forgive her and heal from his terrible past… Just like SHE thought she could “help” him…
And besides, he did so many NICE things for her and all those other women. That should count for SOMETHING, right? It’s not like he was emotionally abusive or manipulative ALL the time. So it kind of cancels things out, right? It’s not like he HIT anyone or anything. At least the things he did didn’t leave any VISIBLE marks. Besides, he probably just made honest mistakes, that’s all. He couldn’t have actually gotten off on seeing them hurt and crying. Not the man YOU are involved with. HE certainly doesn’t remember doing anything like that – and HIS memory is inviolate.
Even if he HAS been emotionally abusive and dishonest with others, he’s going to be different with you. Especially after you two move in together. It IS especially hard on him living alone. He wouldn’t be talking about how hard it is to keep up the intensity and connectedness over such a distance. He wouldn’t be implying that the relationship might not last if you don’t move in together… He wouldn’t have some kind of hidden agenda around that. He wouldn’t be trying to subtly manipulate you, and get you worried about losing him, like he did with the others. He just REALLY CARES for you, and really wants the two of you to be together.
He’s told you how different he feels with YOU. How different he IS with you. How healing your love is. How much he NEEDS you. What a wonderful person he thinks you are. How important you are in his life. How much he values and appreciates you, and misses you when you are not together. How amazingly transformed he feels now that he has finally met someone as SPECIAL as YOU.
So what if he told her the same things? He really MEANS it this time, with you.
He’s a changed person, (this time, for REAL) with you. You’re special.
You don’t need to talk to any of his exes to find out what he was REALLY like because the past is the past, right? You couldn’t possibly learn anything from their experiences because he’s not going to be like that anymore. It couldn’t possibly be that they have anything valid to say. Besides, you trust him to tell you the WHOLE TRUTH about his past (as far as he can “remember” it), right?
And he’s such a sensitive, caring guy, he REALLY does wish he and his ex could be FRIENDS now. Even though he NEVER ONCE called her or emailed her and said, “Listen, I don’t want it to end like this. Can we please talk?” SHE is the one to blame for all the bad feelings. It was HER responsibility to rectify things with HIM. And he can’t understand why she would have NO desire to have any contact with him, NO desire to have anything to do with him – after all he did for her, after what they had. After all, SHE is the one who did unforgivable things. He’s so uncomfortable around her now because of how much she hurt him. He wouldn’t STILL be projecting HIS issues on her, and implying that they are HER issues… After all, he’s a changed man.
But you don’t have to worry. No matter what happens between you and him, you’ll ALWAYS BE FRIENDS. You and he will always be able to work things out. So what if he said EXACTLY THE SAME THING TO HER (and all the others) too? It’ll be different with you. You’re special.
He won’t wait a year or two (or three) before he starts in on YOU. He won’t then use his knowledge of YOUR insecurities and emotional hot buttons to deliberately hurt YOU. He won’t start using psychological warfare to couch his deliberately hurtful actions in social plausibility with YOU. He won’t flirt with your close friends and use any attraction they might have to him against YOU. NO. He won’t tell you that you just weren’t meeting his needs or living up to his expectations. He won’t expect you to read his mind. He won’t try to make it look like YOU are the reason he is unhappy, and YOU are the cause of your relationship problems. He won’t set you up to get upset with him so that YOU are the one who breaks it off with him, (or you get so angry with him that he HAS to break it off with YOU) and HE looks like a martyr (AGAIN).
So what if he made all the same promises to her? Just because he was following some of his old patterns when he got involved with you, doesn’t mean he’s going to follow through on the rest of them. He’s CHANGED now.
You’re special. Just like SHE was when he was with HER. Just like they ALL thought they were.
And when he starts telling you how much he MISSES his adult son, it won’t be to deflect and distract you from being upset with him because he has just said or done something really inconsiderate or unkind. It won’t be to evoke sympathy from you and get you thinking what a wonderful, caring parent he is.
He’s so nice right now, so supportive. So what if he was that way with her too at the beginning? He won’t revert back to his head games of praising and encouraging one minute and criticizing how you keep the house, the way you do things, things you say, in the next. He wouldn’t yank YOUR chain like that.
He’s so attentive right now, so interested in everything you say and do! He won’t turn around one day and tell you he’s NOT INTERESTED in the things that interest you, and then accuse you of not paying enough attention to HIM. He won’t get moody and upset because you get more attention than he does at social functions. He won’t resent you for your charisma. Just because he did that before doesn’t mean he’s going to do it again with YOU. As long as you make sure HE is the center of attention, and he’s getting his ego stroked, he probably won’t get nasty with you… Right? It couldn’t be that he is a bottomless pit, and that you can NEVER give him enough attention. Not the man YOU know. Not with YOU. You’re special.
And the fact that another woman’s experience was so terrible with him, his distortions and multiple personalities so devastating that she felt compelled to warn other people about him and the “type” of abuser he is – well that’s no consequence. It must have been *her* that brought it out in him. He’s so different now that he’s found YOU and your healing love. So what if he said the same kinds of things to her? You are going to ignore those nagging little doubts in the back of your mind because you want to believe so badly in the sweet, helpful, romantic person he is portraying right now. You don’t want to believe there is a dark malicious side to him that enjoys seeing others suffer. You want to believe you are special, and he is right there encouraging you, building you up, telling you how nobody understands him the way YOU do. He’s telling you that he just wants to stop feeling BAD about himself (and THEY made him feel that way, the witches!). He’s telling you that if he can’t make it work with you, he’s afraid he can’t make it with ANYONE… It’s so tragic… (Yeah, he said that to her too, but so what?)
YOU are the one who can “fix” his wounded ego. Your relationship with him will be so much better than his last ones, because you’re special! With you, he’ll be honest and straight-forward for the first time in his life. He won’t become cruel or passive-aggressive. He won’t play head games anymore. He’ll stop using and discarding people like old kleenex. HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH. HE’S NOW A CHANGED MAN. (Changed for the better, of course.) Not because of therapy. Not because he’s removed himself from relationships and taken some serious time to get his shit together. Not because he REALLY apologized (without interlacing it with blame) to anyone he harmed in the past or made amends. Not because he’s done any REAL work. Not because he’s actually admitted to his real motivations or made a single sincere change.
He just needed to find the RIGHT woman to “save” him from himself and “help” him become a better man, and that’s YOU.
You just KNOW he’ll be different with you. Right?
Protected: A little more difficult
Special Victim
Can I tell you how much I love Detective Stabler on Law and Order:SVU? I don’t love Christopher Meloni, the actor. He’s okay. I love the *character* of Elliot Stabler. He’s strong, smart, loyal, and a little crazy. Meloni wraps him in a very nice package, though. I’m not complaining.
Yummy 1
A year ago today
A year ago today, I thought I had all the answers. I thought I had found my “happily ever after” with a man I had dreamed into existence.
A year ago today, we were hit by the worst hurricane the Houston area had seen in two decades.
A year ago today, he began emailing two women every single day to make sure they were doing “okay”, and to see if they needed him in any way.
A year ago today, he found his next target and began his systematic destruction of our life together.
A year ago today, I never dreamed that I would be sitting here now, divorced, betrayed and hurt beyond measure.
Where will I be next year?
Brain waves
It’s in dreams where he finds me.
I haven’t blogged about him in a while, and that has been a conscious effort. I’m trying to practice “forgetting rather than forgiving “, and part of my plan was to quiet the blog of posts related to him. That doesn’t mean I haven’t thought of him or spoken of him to others; I just try to temper it considerably. It’s been mostly successful.
But when I dream, when my defenses are completely down and my mind walks its own path, that’s when I’m stripped and raw.
Last night I dreamed that he and I were attending some sort of band convention (as we did on occasion). I knew that he was cheating on me, and I knew that he was going to leave, but in the dream we decided to go to the convention any way. We had a fantastic time, full of the love and laughter that we *always* shared when we were together. Then he went to a workshop, and I went to another, and I realized it was going to be our last time together. I collapsed, weeping… and that’s how I awoke.
Today almost feels like day one all over again. I miss my best friend. I miss my love, my heart.
It’s still the worst of times…
My daughter will be going in to high school next year, and she’s been assigned to read A Tale of Two Cities over the summer. As an English teacher, I can’t tell you how much this bothers me.
Don’t get me wrong, A Tale of Two Cities is a good piece of literature and one deserving of being studied, but I just don’t think that the average 14 year old American student of the 21st century can really connect with a novel centering around the French Revolution. Is there *no other* piece of literature the kids could study? And to expect them to do it on their own is just ludicrous.
I think this hits on one of the biggest failings of American education: we are married to tradition and the canon despite the fact that the marriage has been failing for decades now. This is especially a problem for English teachers. More English teachers than you can imagine wouldn’t think of teaching a literature class that did not center solely around the “canon” of great literary works. They don’t attempt to read new literature, and they certainly aren’t interested in anything written specifically for young adults. Worse still, they can’t even explain why they are teaching these traditional pieces.
This problem isn’t just among the “old fogies” either; it permeates our entire profession. For example, a few weeks ago, a young teacher posted on one of my favorite teacher boards that she was going to be teaching Great Expectations this year to her students. She wanted us to suggest to her some fun and engaging activities to do with the novel. Right away several people responded with canned lessons that seemed fun, to be sure, but to me didn’t seem to have a purpose. So I asked her, “Why are you teaching Great Expectations? What SKILLS do you want your students to master when you are finished with the novel?” She couldn’t answer. And there lies the problem.
There’s nothing wrong with teaching Great Expectations, A Tale of Two Cities, Canterbury Tales, Beowulf, etc., but there is something terribly wrong with a teacher who cannot express what skills she’s hoping to teach with those pieces. If the sole purpose is exposure, then I think the teachers are seriously failing at their jobs. Our state standards do NOT list our courses as literature survey classes. They are titled English I, English II, English III and English IV. They are skills based classes. The literature is mentioned, but it is certainly not the focus. The focus (at least for the literature section) is the reading skills. Those can be taught with any well written piece.
What does my daughter’s teacher want her to get from A Tale of Two Cities? Archetypes. Yep. Why not have them read something like Cynthia Voigt’s Dicey’s Song or a thousand other well written YA novels that would engage them, make them more excited about reading, and teach the same skill?
As it is, my daughter and her classmates will wade through Dickens, not fully understand it, hate it, and later, when they are mature enough to read it, say, “Oh, I read that in high school and hated it.” They’ll most likely never pick it up again.
For those English teachers who stumble across my blog and would like to reconsider teaching “the canon”, may I suggest you start with this great book, From Hinton to Hamlet: Building Bridges between Young Adult Literature and the Classics. We can do more than teach what was traditionally taught to us. We can do something to make these children love reading and the stories of all generations.
Mixers and Elixers
My girls and I went to the Houston Museum of Natural Science’s Mixers and Elixers event last night and had a really good time. It was so much more crowded than we thought it would be, and there was the most eclectic mix of people you could imagine. We saw everything from the very young to the very old, straight and gay, single and married. It was the perfect people watching situation.
I’ve come to realize, though, a couple of things:
1. I’ve never “met” anyone in a situation like that. All of the people I’ve dated, I’ve gotten to know as friends first and then it developed into something more. I must not make a good first impression! LOL.
2. I’m a girls girl. I’m not a hang-out-with-the-boys type of chick. If I’m going to be with a group of friends in a situation like that, I prefer it to be a girls night.
3. I perspire a LOT when I dance, but I have fun.
4. I don’t like rum and Coke. Actually, I don’t like rum or Coke separately either. I don’t like mixed drinks, period. I’m a beer girl.
5. Upper class white people know the lyrics to all 80s and 90s hip/hop songs and sing them LOUDLY. They especially like “Baby Got Back”.
